Attack of the Clones (The Revised Script)
by kritof
Summary: A parody of Star Wars: Episode II!! This takes a humorous and sarcastic look at the film.


Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (The Revised Script)  
  
Rated PG for mild language.  
  
This is obviously not supposed to be taken seriously. It's just a parody of Attack of the Clones, a film I personally thought was awesome.  
  
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George Lucas: Well, I'm gonna make Episode II now.  
  
Rabid Fans: You had better make it good! Not like that piece of crap you call Episode I! Jar Jar had better die!  
  
George Lucas: I can do whatever the hell I want to do. I could bring the damn Ewoks back and you'll still all pay money to see it!  
  
Rabid Fans: We'll gouge your eyes out if it's bad!  
  
George Lucas: ::sweat drop::  
  
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Three years later…..  
  
  
  
(Padme lands on Coruscant in a small fighter ship disguised as a pilot. Her clothes, makeup, hair accessories, industrial hairspray, servants, shoes, etc. land next to her in a larger ship.)  
  
Guard: Looks like everything's ok.  
  
(BOOM!)  
  
Guard: Nevermind. Uh oh….your friend got blown up. Well, we gotta go. It's dangerous here.  
  
Padme: Let me hesitate to go and shed a single tear to show that my character is kind and has compassion. I am actually only sad because all my stuff got blown up.  
  
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(Padme goes to talk to lots of important people.)  
  
Yoda: Short I am, yes. Speak inverted I do. Sound much like a 3-year-old I do. Tricks people into thinking I am wiser than I am, it does.  
  
Mace Windu: I'm badass, but also extraordinarily naïve. A Jedi would never go bad.  
  
Padme: I'm pissed. All my cool clothes got blown up and now I have to wear this boring outfit.  
  
Palpatine: You people suck. I hate you. I can't wait til you die in the next movie. Padme, get the hell out of here. Go find Obi-Wan and that little ass Anakin.  
  
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Obi-Wan: I was the hot one in the last movie. Now I am the mature mentor type just because I grew a beard.  
  
Anakin: Now I'm the hot one.  
  
(Padme enters.)  
  
Padme: You're hot now.  
  
Anakin: I know.  
  
Padme: It'll never work out you know because you're still just a little kid to me.  
  
Anakin: Grrr….I'm better than everyone. I'll show you all!  
  
Obi-Wan: Shut up, bitch.  
  
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(Padme goes to sleep and creepy bugs crawl towards her. Anakin kills them. Obi-Wan jumps out a window. Long chase scene.)  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm also the careful, responsible one. You should be careful.  
  
Anakin: Then that makes me the reckless and rebellious one. I won't listen to you. (Jumps out of ship.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Asshole.  
  
(They find the culprit, Zam Wesell in a bar. Obi-Wan severs her arm.)  
  
Zam: I'm a remotely interesting and strong female character. Therefore I have to die after being on screen for about 10 minutes. (Dies.)  
  
Audience: Ummm…that was good, but not as good as we were expecting.  
  
George Lucas: (Starts to panic.) Uh…gimme a minute. ::sweat drop::  
  
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Palpatine: Padme, go to Naboo with Anakin so you two can get it on.  
  
Padme: No! I can't love him! It's not allowed! …..OK. I'll go, but only because I need to get more outfits back home.  
  
Obi-Wan: I'll go make the interesting part of the movie.  
  
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Anakin: I love you so much. I need you. I just got to be with you. It hurts not to be with you. It also hurts to be with you because you won't admit to yourself that you love me. But I love you. Why can't you love me?…blah blah blah….  
  
Padme: Stop! You know we can't be together! But I'll flirt with you anyway!  
  
Audience: Uh….isn't this acting kind of bad?  
  
George Lucas: Look pretty CGI backgrounds!  
  
Audience: Oooh! Aaah!  
  
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(On the planet Kamino.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Hello, Jango Fett. Hello, Boba Fett. Uh oh…another annoying little kid?! Are you gonna annoy the hell out of everyone like the kid in Episode I?!  
  
Boba Fett: Don't worry. I have hardly any lines.  
  
Obi-Wan: Thank God.  
  
Jango Fett: Holy crap! A Jedi! Let's get the hell outta here!  
  
Boba Fett: OK.  
  
Obi-Wan: Not so fast!  
  
(Fight scene. Jango and Boba escape but Obi-Wan puts a tracking device on their ship. They both go to the planet Geonosis.)  
  
Audience: George, that fight was cool!  
  
George Lucas: I told you it would get better. (Relieved.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Jango, let's have a chase scene through an asteroid field and then I can hide from you until it's safe to come out. I get to be just like Han Solo in the Empire Strikes Back!  
  
Jango Fett: OK.  
  
Audience: (notices obvious parallel between this film and the Empire Strikes Back) George, was that supposed to be just like….  
  
George Lucas: Yup.  
  
Audience: Did you think that up all by yourself?  
  
George Lucas. Yup.  
  
Audience: Lucas is God!  
  
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Anakin: I miss my mommy. I wanna go home.  
  
Padme: OK.  
  
(They go to Tatooine.)  
  
Anakin: Mommy I found you!  
  
Shmi: I love…::gurgle:: ::wheeze:: (Dies.)  
  
Anakin: I am seething with rage now, and in order to make an obvious foreshadowing of what is to come in Episode III, I will massacre this pathetic village of nomads!  
  
(Much hacking and chopping of heads and limbs ensues.)  
  
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Obi-Wan: (in a transmission) Hey I found some really cool stuff out here…Oh crap! (Gets attacked.)  
  
Anakin: Loser.  
  
Padme: No we should help him.  
  
Anakin: Oh, umm…yes! We should. I am very sensitive and concerned. Am I sexy now?  
  
Padme: No.  
  
Anakin: Damn.  
  
(They go to Geonosis with the droids.)  
  
C3-PO: I do believe, R2, that we are the best actors in this film!  
  
R2: Beep!  
  
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(Obi-Wan is held captive by Count Dooku, a former Jedi.)  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm really busy. I don't have time for your bullshit. Get me out of here.  
  
Count Dooku: You think you have it bad! I gotta go around with the name Dooku!  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh…  
  
Count Dooku: You suck…I don't like you. See you later when I have you killed in an arena!  
  
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(Anakin and Padme arrive at Geonosis.)  
  
Anakin: Padme, I'll protect you and prevent you from being captured!  
  
(They are both captured.)  
  
Padme: We have absolutely no chemistry together. There is no way for us to declare our love for each other publicly. You are a psychotic mass- murderer. And yet, for some strange reason I actually am going to say that I love you.  
  
Anakin: All right!  
  
(They make out as they are dragged into an arena where Count Dooku plans to kill both them and Obi-Wan in a gladiatorial-like fashion.)  
  
Audience: Hey, are we watching Gladiator, now? Oh wait…I think George is just using the current popularity of gladiatorial-like themes and settings to make his film more entertaining!  
  
(Three monsters come after the three heroes. Obi-Wan and Anakin use the force to help them fight their monsters. Padme does as best she can. The monster suddenly scratches Padme, conveniently ripping off most of her shirt.)  
  
Padme: AAARGHAAAGHARGH!!! No, I'm not screaming because I'm in pain! I'm screaming because I've just been unnecessarily and pointlessly degraded!  
  
Male Audience Members: Yeah! That's so cool! George, make the monster rip off all her clothes!  
  
Female Audience Members: That's not fair! Why couldn't the monster rip off Hayden Christiansen's or Ewan McGregor's clothes?!  
  
(The good guys start to get the upper hand.)  
  
Count Dooku: What?! You mean I underestimated the heroes of this film?! Are they really smarter and more powerful than me, the bad guy?! My plans for an overly creative and drawn out death for the three protagonists are being foiled!? Who knew!? Let's try to kill them quickly now that it's too late!  
  
(Droids encircle Obi-Wan, Padme, and Anakin ready to fire. Mace Windu suddenly appears.)  
  
Mace Windu: I'm badass, remember?  
  
(Lots of Jedi suddenly appear. Lots of fighting ensues.)  
  
Jango Fett: You're going down, Mace!  
  
Mace Windu: No, I'm not. Your jetpack is broken!  
  
Jango Fett: What?! (Dies.)  
  
Audience: George, this is awesome! Jedi in their prime fighting together!!!  
  
George Lucas: Just wait…it gets better!  
  
(Yoda saves the day with a bunch of clones. The audience oohs and aahs over a bunch of CGI shots of explosions and fighting.)  
  
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(In a transport, on the way to Dooku's lair.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Hold on and don't fall out!  
  
Padme: (Not holding on.) Aahh! I've fallen out!  
  
Anakin: In order to once again assert both my rebellious nature and my loving side, I must go get her!  
  
Obi-Wan: No! Bad!  
  
Anakin: Grrr…  
  
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(In Dooku's lair.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Be careful!  
  
Anakin: No! (Dooku shoots lighting at Anakin.) Aaahh!!! That hurts!  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh, crap.  
  
(Dooku proceeds to beat the crap out of Obi-Wan. Anakin gets up at the last second and saves his master.)  
  
Anakin: Ooohh… I look cool cause I get to use two lightsabres! Oh no! My arm!  
  
(Yoda enters.)  
  
Audience: This is the cool part my friends told me about!!!!  
  
(Yoda proceeds to beat the hell out of Dooku. Dooku runs away, scared shitless.)  
  
Audience: Oh, oh…YODA!!!  
  
Yoda: Kick ass, I do. The voice of Grover, I have.  
  
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(Everyone goes home. Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Mace Windu sit around and talk.)  
  
Obi-Wan: Yeah, so Anakin went back to Naboo to bring Padme home. No, of course I don't suspect anything. How could they possibly be in love? Have you seen the way they act together? There's no emotion or chemistry between them. Also…..Yay! We won the battle today!  
  
Yoda: No, sucks this does. Losing we are. Bad the Dark Side is.  
  
Obi-Wan: Party pooper.  
  
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(Anakin and Padme are on Naboo getting married.)  
  
Priest: Do you, Padme, take this man to be your husband? In sickness and in health, in good times and bad, during the takeovers and destruction of helpless star systems, during the mass-murders of innocent and self- sacrificing Jedi Knights?  
  
Audience: No, Padme, don't do it! He's gonna be bad!  
  
Padme: I do! Tee-hee!  
  
Audience: Doh!  
  
(Padme and Anakin make out a lot.)  
  
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George Lucas: So you didn't mind the middle of the film, with all that romance?  
  
Audience: Middle? What? Yoda is awesome! Yoda is God! Lucas is God! George, you made Yoda even sexier than Ewan McGregor! How the hell did you do that?!  
  
George Lucas: Oh…it was easy!  
  
Obi-Wan: Hey! 


End file.
